A Simple Lesson: Hugs, Friends, and Finding What I Really Need

Yet again I start off my blog by talking about the craziness of my life. Last weekend I didn't see the sun or outdoors once. I sat at my dining room table with my books sprawled open and laptop powered on and went to work on a midterm, a paper, a presentation, a group project, and the last of my business plan. To say that I felt depleted and depressed at the end of Sunday is an understatement. My roommate, Jeremy, came home Sunday night to me in a complete state of disarray and exhaustion.  As he tiptoed around the apartment trying not to upset my fragile state, I finally broke the silence by admitting that I'm just plain tired, bitter, and sad. This led to a somewhat painful and awkward discussion about handling stress, many of the points I took offense to...not surprising, huh?  I didn't feel any better after talking about my feelings. I'm a girl, isn't that supposed to help? And truthfully, I almost ALWAYS feel better after talking to Jeremy.  He's one of my best friends and gets my crazy ramblings in ways that others can't even being to translate. Not this time. I'm absolutely not bashing our conversation or his advice/support, but I did realize something really really important after my talk with him. When we're sad, overwhelmed, bitter, anxious, and all of those fun little emotions we go through from time to time, it's really important to first ask yourself, "what do I really need right now?" before running to people for help and advice. I missed this step. Instead, I blurted out all my thoughts hoping my friend would come up with a solution to making me feel better. I expected him to fix it when even I didn't know what it was I really needed.

So after still feeling lost, I stepped back from our conversation, made myself some tea, and asked myself, "Lauren, what do you really need right now?"  And then it hit me...it hit me like a freakin' truck. I needed a hug. I almost started to cry once I realized that this...THIS was all I needed. I just needed an extra long, let me maybe cry in your arms, don't let go too soon hug.  After I figured out what it was that I actually needed, the next step was for me to decide who, really, was the best person to give me that.  We all have a wonderful collection of unique friends for a reason - each one of them has their strengths and can support us in their own special way.  It was then that I realized I needed to find a friend that could give me what I needed (selfish, I know, but sometimes life calls for selfish support). I needed to allow Jeremy to support me with his strengths, by talking about my stress.  But I needed to find a different friend for that extra long hug. What a relief this brought to me! I stopped being annoyed with him for leaving me lost in my stress and was able to truly be thankful for his special friendship and the gifts he has to offer...even if that's not a hug. And then I was able to just be ok with that fact that I'll get my hug from a friend that's right for that sort of thing. I haven't gotten it yet and if you're reading this and you're my good friend, but aren't the hugging type, don't feel like you need to come up and hold onto me to try and give me what I need. I've completely accepted the fact that my hug will come at a natural time from a friend that is really really good at those comforting, curl-up in the corner of their shoulder hugs.  I feel so much less stressed now that I'm able to name what it is I need. I feel thankful for the friends I have in my life and for realizing the freedom you get once you allow a friend to show you support in the best way they know how, not in the way you're forcing them to.  Some are great listeners, some are great problem solvers, some are great huggers, some are great distracters. Simply let them be who they are and thank them for sharing that gift with you.

And then when the tables are turned and you have a friend in need, hopefully they'll realize your strengths and will come to you for the kind of support you can best show them.  As for me, I'm not always great with words, but I'm pretty good at hugging and listening. If that's what you need, let me know. I'd be happy to share my gift with you.